CORN INDIANA

**WARNING-WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ COULD PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK**
There is a place in this great country of ours in which the laws of logic do not exist. This place is known to very few "outsiders". In fact, thousands of people drive through there every day not even noticing that something is very...odd. Even now when I think about it, I get this strange feeling that I have witnessed something that I shouldn't have. I feel like I am being watched. I will not tell you exactly where it is because residents there may be reading this and would certainly come after me to keep me "quiet". All I can tell you is that this parallel universe does exist and it is in the area of interstate 65 between Indianapolis and Chicago. I simply refer to it as "Corn", Indiana. You see in Corn, things are different. There seems to exist this "secret society" of people that do things a little bit....different. To call them backwards wouldn't really explain their practices in life there. I will try to explain (although it really is illogical). In Corn, one of the ways they survive is to sell things. They attract tourist using flashy signs depicting cows eating ice cream and huge wheels of cheese. The tourist are lured like moths to a light bulb by promises of a cheese factory tour, home made ice cream and fancy barns to make you feel like you are down on the farm. In fact, this is where the weirdness begins as last week, Brad and I were also lured into the clutches of this magical place of high butter fat ice cream, cows, big cheeses, and of course a working cheese factory.
"You're really not going to stop here are you? We should leave now. You are an idiot". I should have heeded those words (except the idiot part, he is such a hosehead) from Brad. I still hear them in my dreams. We searched for Ice cream (and a bathroom) for what seemed like minutes. We located a huge barn that I was sure would house a bathroom but the only entry door would require us to pay money to go on some kind of indoctrination program to Corn (or it could have been a dairy tour). We walked around the outside of that huge barn trying to find a bathroom and then we saw a promising sign that let to.... the cheese factory. Surely where there is cheese, there is a toilet. I was right. The cheese factory barn was stunning. Huge blocks and wheels of every kind of cheese that you could imagine. It was a beautiful sight. I almost cried. In the back of the cheese store was a huge window where you could watch them make the cheese. As we pressed our faces against the window to watch the cheese making magic, the first of the oddities of Corn Indiana struck us. They do not actually make cheese at the working cheese factory. There before us was a room gleaming in stainless steel and cheese machines that I can't explain but..... and this is a huge but...no people, no cheese. So observation about Corn number one: They do not actually make cheese at the "working cheese factory". The craziness of Corn continues as we entered the line for the "home made" ice cream. There, in front of us, was the counter to purchase ice cream. First oddity of buying ice cream in "Corn": There were no signs to label any ice cream, prices, or anything else about purchasing ice cream. Second oddity of buying ice cream in "Corn": Not one else in the whole place seemed to be buying ice cream (again.... those words of Brad "We should leave now"). By now, my heart was beating very fast. I didn't know what to do next, but I knew that I had to make contact with the Corninian ice cream chick in order to get ice cream, so I asked her a simple question. How do you sell your ice cream here? Her answer still defies what is logical to me. Her answer was that they sell a single and a double. Sounded simple enough to me so I asked how big was a single. She answered, "A SINGLE is TWO scoops and a DOUBLE is FOUR scoops. I know that I must have just stood there dumbfounded by this Corninian math. A "single" is "two" scoops? This secret society obviously has there own math system. I was stunned for a couple of minutes and I'm not sure what happened (I think that I kind of passed out). All of the sudden, Brad and I were walking... no... fast walking, out of the cheese factory (that does not actuallymake cheese)/ice cream place (that sells a single that is two scoops).
I hope that you take the warning at the top of this writing seriously. I think that Brad and I have uncovered the Corninians and their plans to take their beliefs to the rest of the world. I myself, have survived an attack on my life where they tried to poison me with a tainted cheese coney. So let these words burn into your mind. Beware if you you ever take interstate 65 north to Chicago or you too could find yourself right in the middle of.....Corn.